Mornings like this one roll around every once in a while. It isn't yet
8:00am, and the audio overflow from the boys' squabbling already has me
threadbare. I find the work of a referee exhausting.
I've asked them to make their beds, and Bud chooses
instead to parse words: "I don't need to...it's not a
need." And
although the sane, logical side of me can talk about physical v.
spiritual needs and
God's word and the only
command with a promise,
somewhere deep inside I suspect that I'm the one who "needs" for their
beds to be made: needs order imposed on chaos and a schedule that
matches reality
for once and no Frosted Mini-Wheats crushed under the table
again (while I'm at it).
So
I take a time-out, and switch rooms and recovery modes. Nutmeg's been
exploring. I refill the diaper bag she's emptied and retrieve the lid to
the lipstick and think about trying to clean Clinique's "Think Bronze"
out of the carpet-formerly-known-as-white.
The background music of piano warm-ups goes silent, and I help Pixie find a missing book.
The
foreground music--volleys of "poo-poo face!" and "moron!"--resumes, and
instead of running to turn down the volume I scoop up little Nutmeg.
Now what I "need" isn't a made bed but someone to snuggle and hug,
someone who can extract and salvage the last splinters of tenderness from my shipwrecked heart. Perhaps from them something new could be
built.
But she wriggles and pushes and reminds me that none of
this is easy. As I let her go, she changes her mind and settles into my
lap instead...and that's when I remember that the sweet hand grasping my
shirt still has lipstick all over it.
I am a failure this morning. I am failing.
Failing.
This idea is like a lint roller, attracting and sticking all facts that
confirm it. The lost temper. The slammed door, dirty dishes three rows
deep, toothpaste flaking off the wall in the hallway. Resentful words. Lipstick in the carpet.
A failure everywhere I look, inside and out, gaining momentum in a downhill scramble.
But
I have been here before, and once the mental lint roller of judgement
starts rolling I know I must identify the lie and scramble for the truth
needed to stop it. This morning, the braking wedge is the
sermon I heard yesterday and the Lord's table to which I was welcomed.
And the call to worship and remember.
Psalm 103 tells me "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him."
And, "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
And again, "He knows how we are formed; he remembers that we are dust."
So it is a lie that I am alone in this. Someone has compassion on me, someone who is not angry or bearing a grudge.
The Someone.
And if the Lord of Lords can answer me when I call, then surely
by his Spirit I can stop hiding under the covers, come out and attend to the call he's given me; and all of the other calls of my morning.
Even before eight o'clock.
----
Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2Praise the
Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6The
Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8The
Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19The
Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20Praise the
Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21Praise the
Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22Praise the
Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the Lord, O my soul.
